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In acknowledgement of the big week it’s been in #auspol, with the successful election of the Labor Party headed up by Anthony Albanese after several years of misery under the Coalition and Scott Morrison, I decided to visit AO3 and give the few auspol fanfics there a read. Please join me (unless you are related to me, Mum and Dad that means you, please do not read any further).
Our first stop is a fic that was published on election day entitled ‘Political Affairs’. The ship it focuses on is Scott Morrison and his treasurer Josh Frydenberg, who lost the seat of Kooyong to Dr Monique Ryan. It was anonymously published and while part of me understands why, another part of me is surprised, because shamelessly embracing your weird predilections is a huge part of consuming and creating content on AO3.
Without further ado…
“It was another big day for Josh, he was tired after a long day at work, but Scott had called an emergency liberal party meeting. Usually, Josh was enamoured by Scott’s way with words, but after the day he’d had, Josh had to fight to stay awake.
After fighting for what felt like hours, Josh finally gave in, head hitting the pile of papers on his desk, thankfully masking the sound from the other members of the liberal party.
[This is very relatable, Morrison would put anyone to sleep.]
As Scott finished up his speech, he too let out a tired sigh.
“Alright everyone, it’s been a long day, I know you’re all eager to get home to your families, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Scott closed the meeting and packed up while the room cleared. Well, almost cleared, when he let his gaze drift out to the room, he noticed Josh Frydenberg sleeping peacefully on his stack of belongings. He could fight the smile that came to his face as he observed Joshies relaxed state.
[‘Joshie’ made me throw up in my mouth, thanks.]
Scott knew he had to wake Josh up, but he was apprehensive after the pairs almost kiss at the last liberal party gala.
The usually all to tightly wound Josh had one too many drinks and Scott had taken the role of making sure Josh got home ok.
All had been fine until the two had to part ways on Josh’s balcony. He wasn’t sure if it was the rush from the wine, or feelings he’d had all along but he couldn’t help but stare into his eyes a moment too long.
Josh had caught onto his loving gaze, and Scott could have sworn he started to lean in before a ringing came from his suit pocket.
“Shit, it’s Jenny, I’ve gotta take this Josh, get some rest, I’ll see you on Monday.” Scott was hesitant to leave, but he had responsibilities, and on top of all that, Josh was still a little drunk.
[It wouldn’t be a Morrison fanfic without a mention of Jenny.]
The night was still all too clear in Scott's head. Despite doing what was probably the right decision, Scott felt a tinge of regret about that night. What if he had gone for it? Would it have been a huge mistake? Or would something magical have blossomed?
He knew he’d have to bite the bullet eventually, so he made his way to Josh, a tender hand placed on his shoulder.
“Hey sleepyhead,” Scott greeted warmly. Josh began to stir under his touch.
As Josh regained consciousness, he was suddenly hyper-aware of the situation before him.
“Oh shit, sorry Scomo, didn’t mean to drift off there, big day today,” Josh couldn’t quite get his gaze to reach Scott’s eyes.
Scott chuckled, no resentment present in his eyes, “Not to worry Fry, happens to the best of us.”
[Do you think they actually call each other by these nicknames?]
Relief washed over Josh’s face, he wasn’t sure where he stood with the prime minister after the events of the gala, but it seemed like they were friendly as ever.
Josh stood suddenly, not realising how close Scomo stood. The mistake leaving Josh and Scott chest to chest in the meeting room, but no one was around to see.
I should move. Scott thought, but frozen he stood, captivated by Josh’s striking eyes. If he didn’t know any better, Scott could have sworn he saw his eyes glance down to his lips.
For once in his life, Scott decided to be bold. What’s there to lose? The prime minister questioned. His hands tracing up to Josh’s jaw, pulling him in as their lips met in a soft embrace. Josh was soon to return the kiss. Despite his fatigue, it was the most alive he had ever felt.”
I love romance, but this did nothing for me. Maybe it was the nicknames.
Onto the next, which is a much more explicit solo fic starring Morrison.
“Scott Morrison groaned as he thrusted his dick inside the rock. As he pulled out, his dick was bleeding. He was growing lightheaded from the blood loss and knew in the back of his head that this would be hard to explain to Jenny and the cleaners, but he didn't care about that right now. All he cared about was that luscious, shiny cussy (coal pussy.)
Usually ScoMo didn't like blacks, but he made an exception for his pet coal rock. It was so rough, so beautiful, and made him so much money. The coal gave off more dust as he mated with it, and he breathed it in. Mm. The scent of lung cancer was soooo hot.
Almost as hot as the bushfires were, or how his skin felt as it was getting peeled off his penis by the coal grinding against it. He thrusted inside it again. It hit an artery. Bright red blood spurted across the floor. ScoMo cried out in pleasure as he began to rapidly lose consciousness. Dying to his mistress had always been his dream. His vision went black, and he was happy, for it was as dark, as bewitching as his lover's coal eyes.”
This is the most upsetting thing I’ve ever read, thanks.
At least the writer is somewhat self-aware; the disclaimer on the fic reads: “For legal reasons, I have to say this is satire and I'm not claiming ScoMo actually fucked a piece of coal.
That said, if you think I deserve to be arrested by the feds for writing this, I agree with you.”
If you really meant that you’d turn yourself in, anon.
This next fic is about Barack Obama, former US President, and Kuroo Tetsurou, a character from an anime series called Haikyuu!!, but it features one of Morrison’s most iconic moments.
“"Congratulations."
Kuroo shook Light's hand in front of the White House.
Light smiled. "It's an honor to serve my country."
"But we are Japanese."
Light began to cry, in a bishounen kind of way. "Yes."
[I don’t know what any of this means. What does it mean to cry in a bishounen kind of way? Please let me know.]
Obama appeared, and the three of them flew to Australia. The year was 1999. The plane went back in time. Light, Obama, and Kuroo went to Engadine Maccas. "I feel like something is about to happen," said Obama.
"Me too," said Kuroo. "Almost like someone who will be important for this country's future is about to commit social suicide."
"He will be mocked for decades to come," Light said, solemnly.
[Why did the plane go back in time? How did they sense that something was about to happen? Are these powers explained in the previous chapters? I’m not actually invested enough to read them so nevermind.]
"Fine arvo for seven big macs," said Future Prime Minister of Australia Scott Morrison as he waddled from the counter to a booth. He inhaled the burgers like they were tic tacs. I'm actually not sure how he shat himself. But the Cronulla Sharks lost the 1997 NRL and maybe he was upset. But the bathrooms were pretty accessible???? "Too bad the Cronulla Sharks lost the NRL."
Scott Morrison was about to brown his dacks. Obama, Kuroo, and Light were about to witness. Feeling his tummy rumble, Scott Morrison stood up hastily and started walking around in a circle. "Where are the bathrooms?!"
Light started to cry again. It was more manly this time.
[So bishounen is the opposite of manly?]
Kuroo was beginning to develop a fetish for it.
[I’m calling the FBI.]
"Hurry!" Obama shot out his arm like he was about to summon a Pokemon. "The bathrooms are that way!"
[How did Obama become familiar with the layout of this McDonalds restaurant so quickly?]
"Oh, shit," Kuroo said when Scott Morrison continued to flail about, the pressure in his bowels building up. "He doesn't understand American!"
"He's about to blow!" Light screamed.
"We need to help him!" Obama positioned himself in front of the toilets, hunching over and undoing his pants. "Quick, Kuroo, fuck me!"
"Why is that your only solution?" Light asked.
[I am also wondering this.]
Kuroo wasn't complaining though. He mounted Obama.
[The FBI is on its way.]
Light, being the only smart one, dashed.
Soon, a flood of shit poured out of Maccas.
Light cried again.
Were oabamawnd kuroo alive????”
I’m very sorry for making you read all of that. I didn’t actually read it before including it and by the time I saw what was coming I’d already committed. Please don’t unsubscribe, I promise not to post any more deeply upsetting content for at least a week.
The last one is short and sweet.
Me, an empath, sensing that this person is also suffering the effects of having the Liberals’ “There’s a hole in your budget” song stuck in their head.
As a palate cleanser and peace offering, enjoy this remix of There’s a hole in your budget x Cupcakke.
Please don’t send me hate mail.
P.S. Were oabamawnd kuroo alive????